


The Pretentiously Named Dual Pornographic Fanfics staring Sollux Captor

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Death, Dream Sex, Dreams, F/M, Ghosts, Guilt, Humor, M/M, Pesterlog, Revenge, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-23
Updated: 2011-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:54:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sollux has a wet dream about Aradia, and then talks about it with Karkat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thanatos and Eros

Sollux floated above Aradia’s hive. It looked familiar. Yes, same hills, same towers, same ditches. Though was it always caved in like this? He couldn’t quite remember.

He heard a strange sound behind him. It sounded like a moan but a very strange one, like one that would come out of some cosmic cat. He turned around and saw Aradia floating two feet above him in a tattered skirt and blouse. She looked down at him with white eyes. Sollux suddenly realized he was on the ground, and he couldn’t float.

“S0llux,” she said in a deeper voice than normal, “You killed me.”

“It wath a mithtake!” Sollux found himself yelling.

“A mistake? 0h, I gues s I’ll just c0me back t0 life again, if it was just a MITHTAKE!”

“It wath Vrithka’th fault!”

“0h? It wasn’t Vriska wh0 I saw fl0ating 0ver my hive that night with an empty jar 0f mind h0ney.”

“Vrithka mind controlled me!”

“Mind c0ntrol? The great psychic S0llux was mind c0ntrolled by a weak minded blue bl00d?”

Sollux was increasingly aware of his inability to float. He could feel the gravity of the planet pulling him down.

“I wath…” Sollux started to blush, “I wath in that period of mine.”

“Peri0d ? As in a regular 0ccurance?”

Sollux bowed his head. “Yeth.”

“As in s0mething y0u c0uld have st0pped?”

“…Yeth.”

“Y0u kn0w what,” Aradia said, “I think y0u’re happy I’m g0ne. N0 m0re little Aradia t0 b0ther y0u. N0 m0re dragging y0urself t0 the b00nd0cks t0 see the stupid p0ttery shards she drags 0ut. N0 m0re listening t0 her talk a0ut her b0ring life when all y0u want t0 d0 is bitch ab0ut y0ur pr0blems. N0 m0re explaining y0ur c0mputer j0kes t0 a newb with a c0mputer s0 0ld she might as well have dug it up. Y0u d0n’t miss me. Y0u’ve already m0ved 0n t0 KK. But d0n’t tell him h0w y0u actually feel ab0ut HIM, n0, n0. Y0u just have t0 leave them wanting m0re, d0n’t y0u?”

Sollux said nothing in his defense. He looked at his mismatched shoes.

Aradia screamed, “L00K AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING T0 Y0U, Y0U YELL0W LITTLE MAGG0T!”

Sollux felt his body being dragged up against his will toward Aradia. Soon he was face to face with her. She grabbed his shirt and gave him the most withering look she could with her pupil-less eyes.

“D0 y0u kn0w what it felt like?” she hissed at him, “Psychic blasts burning every inch 0f y0ur skin, your cl0thes turning int0 ashes, smelling the stench 0f burning hair and flesh and kn0wing it’s y0ur 0wn? And y0u kn0w the w0rse part? All this pain is c0ming fr0m the 0ne y0u care ab0ut the m0st, wh0 PR0MISED N0T T0 HURT Y0U!”

Sollux felt a strong slap on his check, thou gh Aradia’s arms didn’t move. Then, he started to feel hot. Really hot. It was like a tentacle of boiling steam was wrapping around his body. He squirmed in Aradia’s arms.

“S0 y0u see what its like?” Aradia said in response, “Y0u never c0uld stand the heat.”

The heat was enveloping now. It passed through his clothes and burnt his skin directly. Sollux sweated, but that just made the humidity worse. His skin felt stretched tight and both wet and dry at the same time. He looked at Aradia with pleading eyes, at her merciless eyes.

“AA!” he cried, his voice hoarse from dryness, “Pleathe thtop!”

“D0 y0u think I didn’t cry 0ut f0r my dear S0llux t0 st0p?” Aradia asked mockingly, “Y0u might kn0w h0w I felt having my bel0ved kill me…if I was 0ne 0f y0ur machines!”

Sollux sputtered, “I…you were my…”

“D0n’t y0u b0ther t0 lisp 0ut any final w0rds. Leave y0urself with s0me dignity bef0re y0u die.”

“Pleathe don’th kilth meth!” he lisped frantically.

Aradia sneered at his disobedience. With one arm she lifted him up higher. From that height, he noticed her peasant blouse was more low-cut than normal. It was dangerously low-cut in fact and her large breasts threatened to spill out. She was also sweating. Beads of sweat rolled down her cleavage and made her blouse cling to her chest. Sollux was increasingly aware that he too was slick with sweat.

Just then, he felt a phantom hand lunge at his neck. At first it gently caressed that sensitive area. His shoulder’s squirmed at the ticklish touch. The hand (her hand?) was ice cold but with all the heat it felt good. He threw his head back. Then he felt a thumb press slowly into his windpipe. He gurgled in surprise and tried to peel the hands off, but they were intangible and he couldn’t even feel them with his hands. Aradia allowed his hopeless struggle to continue for a few seconds, but then pulled his arms back with her psychic force.

Sollux’s body was curved forward, his shoulders thrown back and his skinny weak arms pushed behind his back. His stomach was pressed by Aradia’s ample bosom, her ghostly skin cold to the touch. His body was still damp from the sweat, though the heat was now more of a warming glow than a burning. The air deficiency made him feel dizzy and light-head, almost as if he was soaring. All this stimuli created a str ange reaction in Sollux Captor: it made him feel the mating urge. He felt the blood violently pour between his legs, and his genitals start to swell. Ignoring the threat of death, what he most feared now was her finding out he had an erection. He desperately hoped she would not notice, though he knew that was impossible with them pressed together like this.

Aradia looked down as if she could see past her breast at the offending item stabbing her ribcage. “Angel lust. I didn’t kn0w y0u had it in y0u,” she purred sensually, and then her voice turned cold again, “Y0u disgusting bastard.”

She slightly eased up on the choking. Trolls being semi-amphibious have a large lung capacity, though Sollux was reaching his limit. He took a small breath. This was a relief until he realized it meant she was going to kill him slowly.

She pulled her body back. He felt another phantom hand go through his clothes, down his stomach and his thighs, and then up to his crotch. The hand squeezed him painfully hard, but he missed the touch when the hand suddenly withdrew.

“I finally get t0 see what y0ur b0ne bulge is like. It’s s0 big,” she said in a lusty tone. Sollux felt himself swell more from the unexpected compliment. She then added, “The M0ther Grub made a mistake giving it t0 a skinny little mutant like y0u!”

Aradia pressed his body against hers again. His crotch was right up against her cleavage and she moved slightly up and down, as if she had no idea what it did to him. His groans were cut off by her thumbs again pressing on his windpipe.

Sollux was at full length now. He felt so ashamed. Aradia kept eye contact with him, now seeming to ignore his huge erectio n, even as it throbbed wildly between her breasts. Her face was blank, only concentrating on the task at hand. She was taking her well-deserved revenge and there was nothing he could do about it. He felt more guilt at his lustful actions then anger at her murderous ones.

His vision went. Static appeared before his eyes and then it all went black. He now didn’t feel anything, no pain, not even gravity, just pleasure. The ghostly moans he heard before came back, now as a song. It sounded like a cat dying, and that cat was the universe. The pleasure crescendo as the moans faded away, until it climaxed almost painfully. Then the whole world faded away.

Sollux opened his eyes. He saw the purple, red, and blue of his recupercoon. He felt relieved for a moment to find out it was only a dream, until he realized it was his dream. The sopor slime was suppose to keep trolls from having much of any dreams, thoug h he had always had twice the amount of problems with it then other trolls. He looked down at the inefficient substance. It looked rather yellow. Was that….oh grub, it was that. He had expelled his genetic material into the slime! He was thinking of changing the obviously stale slime before but now he definitely had to dump it.

He quickly climbed out of the recupercoon and wiped off as much as he could with a towel, then threw the towel into a clothing cleansing container. He stood naked in his room for a moment. He listened to the noise of his room: the humming of bees, the chopping of the fans, and the roar of the street below. His room was never quiet, and the silence of his recupercoon made it hard for him to sleep sometimes. The white noise relaxed him.

He thought about his dream. He couldn’t believe it. He DIED during a wet dream. He had a WET DREAM where he died. Giving the violent nature of troll courting, it was not unheard of for wet dreams to also be violent, but dying? Dying at the hands of his lost moirail? Did he have feelings of a black nature with her? He didn’t want to feel that way about her, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to feel that way about anyone.

Sollux went into the purification suite, did his evening ablution, got dressed, put on his glasses, and went to his computer. He turned it on, and then stared at his chumproll. There was carcinoGeneticist. He pondered whether he should troll him when CG trolled him first.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) begun trolling TwinArmageddons (TA)

CG: HEY FREAK YOU HAVE A FUN DAY IN THOSE TWIN RECUPERCOONS OF YOURS?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH THAT ANYWAY?

CG: I KNOW YOUR STUPID GIMMICK IS TWO OF EVERYTHING BUT THAT SHIT HAS TO BE EXPENSIVE AND CUMBERSOME.

CG: WITH ALL THE SLIME YOU’RE HAULING UP TO YOUR PENTHIVE , YOUR NEIGHBORS AND LANDDRONE MUST THINK YOU’RE A GIANT STONER AND NOT JUST A FREAK WITH A NUMBER FETISH.

 

Sollux thought it must be fate that of all the things he could troll about this evening, Karkat had a bee in his nook about Sollux’s recupercoon.

 

CG: UGH DID YOU JUST TURN ON THE COMPUTER WITH YOUR MIND FROM THE STREET AGAIN? DID YOU FALL OUT THE WINDOW? HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

 

Sollux’s hands paused over the keyboard. Should he say what happened? Karkat fancied himself the next Zigmud Pribor and would certain try and analyze his dream. Sollux didn’t think he wanted that dream analyzed. He typed.

 

TA: it wa2 okay

 

 


	2. Sometimes a Flaming Smoking Cylinder is just...

 

Most trolls are in a bad mood when they wake up in the evening. Karkat is in a bad mood most of the time. This combined with what he had just seen in his sleep made him feel pretty ornery. God, he couldn’t believe that mess came out of his mind. There was tap dance choreography, for fuck’s sake. Really good choreography, actually, and that jazz tune was quite catchy. No, no, no, he didn’t want to think about that dream that looking down at his sopor slime, turned out to be a wet one.

A string of curses echoed through the recupercoon. Karkat practically jumped straight out of it. Great, now he had to clean out the damn thing. How was he going to do that without anyone noticing the candy red substance? Cleaning recupercoons was already a painful chore. Karkat’s mind turned to Sollux’s weird recupercoon. How did he clean that behemoth out? He probably used psonics, lucky jerk.

An hour and a half later, after a series of misadventures that would be amusing if it were in one of his romantic comedies, a freshly showered Karkat walked over to his computer desk. He loaded up Trollian, searching for someone to take his anger out. He saw twinArmageddons was online. Good, he was still boggling over Sollux’s recupercoon.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) has begun trolling twinArmageddons (TA)

CG: HEY FREAK YOU HAVE A FUN DAY IN THOSE TWIN RECUPERCOONS OF YOURS?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH THAT ANYWAY?

CG: I KNOW YOUR STUPID GIMMICK IS TWO OF EVERYTHING BUT THAT SHIT HAS TO BE EXPENSIVE AND CUMBERSOME.

CG: WITH ALL THE SLIME YOU’RE HAULING UP TO YOUR PENTHIVE , YOUR NEIGHBORS AND LANDDRONE MUST THINK YOU’RE A GIANT STONER AND NOT JUST A FREAK WITH A NUMBER FETISH.

Karkat sat back and admired his fine trolling. The moment passed, and he suddenly grew worried that twinArmageddons was not actually around. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. The psychic jerk sometimes accidentally turned on his computer. He should have known Sollux wouldn’t be up before midnight, the slacker.

CG: UGH DID YOU JUST TURN ON THE COMPUTER WITH YOUR MIND FROM THE STREET AGAIN? DID YOU FALL OUT THE WINDOW? HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

Finally, an answer came.

TA: it wa2 okay.

Okay? Just okay? Motherfucker was going down.

CG: WELL GOOD FOR YOU!

CG: MAYBE EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE DOUBLE RECUPERCOONS SO THEY CAN BE AS WELL-RESTED AS YOU.

CG: IT’S GOING TO BE THE NEXT NEW THING, ALONG WITH CRAPPY GLASSES AND BIPOLAR DEPRESSION!

TA: why are you 2o obe22ed wiith my recupercoon thii2 eveniing

CG: I’M ONLY OBSESSED WITH STUPIDITY.

CG: YOUR RECUPERCOON IS A BIG TARGET.

CG: HELL, IT IS BIG.

CG: HOW DO YOU HAVE ANY ROOM IN THAT TINY HIVE WITH THAT AND A HUGE BEEHOUSE FULL OF DEADLY HONEY?

CG: HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU NOT BEEN EVICTED WITH HIVE FULL OF SOPOR SLIME AND DEADLY HONEY?

TA: ii need the honey for my lusus iidiiot.

TA: iit2 not liike iim 2elliiing iit on the 2treet.

CG: THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN THE SOPOR SLIME.

TA: ii need a lot of fucking 2opor 2liime.

TA: not that iit ever help2.

CG: YOU HAVE DREAMS?

TA: ii am clean and ii dont eat the 2tuff liike gamzee.

TA: but 2ometiime2 dream2 2liip by.

Karkat couldn’t believe that Sollux would confess to having diurnal delusions. He suffered from them too. It was a pretty embarrassing thing to have. Karkat responded in a mature manner.

CG: HA HA HA HA YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP.

CG: IS THERE NOT ONE PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT’S NOT CHEMICALLY UNBALANCED?

CG: OH YEAH THE PART THAT’S RUN BY GHOSTS.

TA: iim not run by gho2t2.

TA: ii ju2t hear the voiice2 of the recently decea2ed.

CG: HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT?

TA: they dont bo22 me around.

TA: ii can iignore them.

TA: they are actually le22 annoyiing then you and make more 2en2e.

CG: SORRY I TALKED THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR GHOSTLY GHOSTFRIENDS.

CG: SO ARE YOU MATESPIRITS OR KISMESIS WITH THEM OR ARE YOU JUST PAILBUDDIES?

TA: iim not goiing to fullfiill your 2iick urge for ectoporn kk.

CG: I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY I WAS JUST JOKING.

TA: what ii2 your deal thii2 eveniing

CG: WHAT IS MY DEAL?

CG: YOU’VE BEEN ACTED LIKE SOME OFFENDED MATRON ALL EVENING.

TA: ii had a bad day a22hole.

CG: YOU SAID YOU HAD A GOOD DAY.

CG: YOU LIAR.

TA: you want me 2 tell you about my dream dont you

TA: fuck off ii wont.

Sollux had a dream? Unsuppressed dreams being so uncommon in trolls, or at least so embarrassing, Karkat had never heard a dream account live from another troll. He had only read it in psychology books. He had a considerable interest in hearing his friend’s dream.

CG: WHY WOULD I BE INTERESTED IN HEARING ABOUT YOUR CREEPY DIURNAL DELUSIONS?

CG: MAYBE NEXT TIME I GET SICK I CAN TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY VOMIT SESSION.

CG: OH WAIT I CAN DO THAT NOW.

CG: WOW LOOK AT THAT GRUBLOAF COMING UP.

TA: come on you wor2hiip ziigmud priibor.

CG: PRIBOR WAS A FUCKING HACK.

CG: OKAY HE WAS RIGHT ON A LOT OF FUNDAMENTAL STUFF.

CG: AND HE DID LEAD A REVOLUTION IN TROLL PSYCHOLOGY.

CG: BUT HE WAS WRONG AND I’M NOT WORSHIPPING HIM.

TA: but diidnt he 2ay diiurnal delu2iion2 are the magic 2iidewalk2 of 2omethiing.

CG: IT’S ROYAL ROAD YOU UNEDUCATED MORON.

CG: WHEN HE WAS BEFORE THE SENATE COMMITTEE HE CALLED TROLLING THE MAGIC SIDEWALK, BUT HE CALLED DREAMS THE ROYAL ROAD TO THE BLOODGOREZONE.

TA: good to 2ee all the re2earch you did for your eulogy diidnt go 2 wa2te.

CG: THAT WAS AN ESSAY AND IT WAS MOSTLY ON A DISCIPLE OF HIS.

CG: YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE THAN THAT.

TA: youre doiing a pretty crappy job at rever2e p2ychology.

CG: I DON’T DO REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

CG: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DOES REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, YOU INDECISIVE TWIG.

TA: oh an iim rubber youre boiiled hoofbe2st2 bone2 attack that2 better.

CG: OH WELL MAYBE I WANT TO HEAR YOUR ICKY DREAMS.

CG: JUST DUMP OUT ALL YOUR DISEASED BRAIN ON ME.

CG: ALL OF IT.

TA: fiine iill tell you my dream.

CG: FINE I CERTAINLY WON’T BARF.

TA: fiine ii wont hold back the biizarre detaiil2.

CG: FINE I’LL SALIVATE ALL OVER THE KEYBOARD.

TA: fiine iill 2tart now.

A long moment passed.

TA: ii 2aw aa.

CG: ANOTHER VISION OF ARADIA?

CG: LIKE THAT TIME YOU SAW HER ALIVE IN THE FUTURE AND ALL YOU COULD SAY WAS “SHE WATH HOLDING A MUSIC BOX”?

CG: GREAT NOW WE KNOW WHAT SHE BOUGHT AT THE AFTERLIFE’S GIFT SHOP, THAT’S USEFUL.

CG: OH, AND SHE WAS ALSO “SHINY”, WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

TA: iit wa2nt vii20n.

TA: ii can tell the diiference.

CG: HOW?

TA: ii ju2t do now 2hut up 2o ii can continue.

TA: ii wa2 at the wreckage of her hiive when 2he floated above me.

TA: ii wa2 trapped on the ground.

TA: 2he 2aiid ii kiilled her.

CG: SPIDERBITCH KILLED HER, YOU WERE JUST DAGGER SHE USED TO STAB ARADIA.

CG: YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED THAT OUT YET?

TA: 2hut up.

TA: ii told her that excu2e

TA: iin the dream.

TA: 2he diidnt beliieve iit 2o 2he grabbed me and

TA: um I forgot to tell you but thii2 wa2 a wet dream.

Karkat stopped and stared at the words wet dream. He knew he was supposed to say “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SICK FANTASIES” and stop this whole thing. He knew Sollux wanted him to say that. But he couldn’t. Just the thought of Sollux having a wet dream turned him on. He put one hand on the keyboard and one hand on his bone bulge.

CG: GO ON.

TA: really?

TA: okay.

TA: 2he grabbed me and yelled at me.

TA: 2he really wa2nt her normal 2elf.

TA: 2he wa2 more angry and a22ertive.

TA: and um ii thiink 2he had biigger brea2t2.

TA: ii mean 2he2 alway2 been busty but now 2he looked more liike a nymphet.

TA: um that2 ju2t how 2he looked iin the dream.

CG: GO ON

TA: 2he wa2nt weariing anythiing 2peciial liike a weiird co2tume or anythiing ju2t her normal blou2e and 2kiirt but iit wa2 all tattered.

CG: HOWD IT MAKE YOU FEEL

TA: well ii thiink ii liike brea2t2 and the2e were niice one2.

TA: and iit made me feel kiind of horny.

TA: but ii never 2tared at aa’2 brea2t2 when 2he wa2 around liike tho2e other pervert2!

TA: 2he2 my moiiraiil i 2houldnt look at her liike that.

TA: yeah ii know youd 2ay iim beiing a neurotiic confliicted me22 here.

CG: I SAY NOTHING GO ON

TA: anyway ii felt hot.

TA: not that type of hot.

TA: hot a2 iin 2team coveriing my entiire body.

TA: liike tentacle2 wriigliing under my clothe2.

CG: WHAT WERE YOU WEARING

TA: ju2t my t2hiirt and jean2 liike alway2.

CG: AND THE TSHIRT GOT WET

TA: yeah wiith 2weat.

TA: ii wa2 2weatiing a lot.

CG: SO THE TSHIRT WAS WET UP AGAINST YOUR BODY

TA: yeah that generally follow2.

TA: so ii wa2 2hakiing iin her arm2

TA: and 2he told me that2 how iit felt when

TA: when ii di2charged my la2er2 at her.

CG: YOU WERE A BAD BOY DISCHARGING EVERYWHERE

CG: DISCHARGING WARRM STEAM ON HER

TA: ii feel totally horriible about iit.

TA: ii know iit mu2t have hurt

TA: both phy2iical and emotional.

TA: 2he 2ay2 ii wa2 the one 2he cared about the mo2t but ii dont care about anythiing but computer2

TA: dream aradiia think2 that.

CG: SO SHE PUNISHED YOU

TA: 2he made me pay.

TA: 2he had the2e gho2tly hand2

TA: 2he 2torked my neck and iit felt really good

TA: my neck ii2 2o 2en2tiive

CG: I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT

TA: and a2 ii 2aiid she made me pay

TA: oh thii2 ii2 too weiird

TA: thiis ii2 2uppo2ed to be my fanta2y

TA: 2o 2he 2tarted 2trangliing me

TA: kk?

CG: GET TO THE WEIRD PART

TA: ii thought that wa2 the weiird part

CG: WELL STRANGLING

CG: ITS NOT A WEIRD FANTASY YOU PRUDE

CG: ITS NORMAL TO FANTASIZE ABOUT SOME BITCH PUTTING A ROPE AROUND YOUR NECK AND KICKING YOU OFF A TREE TILL YOUR LEGS KICK

TA: a rope and a tree?

CG: ITS WHAT YOU USE TO EXECUTE CRIMINALS

CG: SHUT UP AND START TALKING

TA: 2o 2he wa2 2trangliing me

TA: 2he pu2hed my hand2 behiind my back

TA: and iive told you about her brea2t2 riight

TA: 2o that wa2 the poiint when iit got wet

TA: that i2 2 2ay ii got a boner

CG: YOU MEAN BONERS

TA: iive told you before kk ii ju2t have one

CG: SO YOUR BONER GOT BIG AND HARD

TA: ju2t a liitle at fir2t but iit was 2o fuckiing embara22iing

TA: aa wa2 riight there there wa2 no way 2he wouldnt notice

CG: YOUR BBONER WAS THRUSTING INTO HER WARM FLESH

TA: actually iit wa2 cold

TA: her fle2h wa2

TA: and it wa2 more liike throbbiing than thru2tiing

CG: THROBBING

TA: 2o 2he diid notiice and 2he wa2 dii2gu2ted wiith me

TA: but al20 kiind of exciited liike 2he wanted 2 mate wiith me

TA: and 2o 2he grabbed iit

TA: iit beiing my boner

TA: and 2he 2aiid iit wa2 really big

CG: IS IT??

TA: ii dont know

CG: HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW?

TA: ii dont look at other guy2 bone bulge2

CG: HOW HAVE NOT SEEN ANY OTHER BONE BULGES?

CG: YOURE PRACTICALLY GLUED TO YOUR COMPUTER

TA: 2o?

CG: 90% OF THE ALTERNIA NETWORK IS BONE BULGES AND BONE NOOKS AND ALL THE PORN YOU COULD EVER WANT.

CG: YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO LOOK?

TA: ii dont look at that 2hiit

TA: ju2t becau2e you have 2 keep the vicedrone2 away from your “ciienma” doe2nt mean every troll2 liike that

CG: HA HA

CG: BUT REALLY YOU’RE BLOODGOREZONE KNOWS YOU’RE HUNG BUT YOU DON’T?

CG: YOU’VE NEVER LOOKED AT IT IN YOUR HANDS AND GONE “DAMN THII22 I2 HUGE”

TA: okay yeah iit2 2o biig ii need 2 buy 2peciial pant2 for thii2 mon2ter

TA: there you happy

CG: YESH

TA: 2o anyway 2he really pull2 on it hard

TA: iit hurt but iit kiind of felt good

TA: and her comment made iit biigger

TA: but then 2he iignored me and ju2t contiinued 2trangliing me

TA: but ii wa2 2tiill horny

TA: more horny iin fact

TA: ii wa2 really rubbiing up again2t her blou2e

CG: THROBBING

TA: ye2 throbbing

CG: AHGOOD

TA: and ii wa2 2o a2hamed

CG: BADBOY

TA: but then there wa2 only plea2ure

TA: and ii had an orga2m

CG: ASDGGGGGGGGGGGGG

TA: what the hell happened

Karkat tried to type on the red sticky keyboard while he desperately searched for something to clean it up with.

CG: NOTHINGG

CG: JUSST TYPEE WHATEEVER YOU WANT FOR FIVEE MINUTEESS.

TA: waiit were you ma2turbatiing 2 my 2tory

CG: NO

TA: you were you siick freak

TA: iim readiing the log and you were practiically grown and moaniing through the whole thing

CG: I WAS ENCOURAGING YOU

TA: encouragiing me 2 talk diirty you mean

CG: I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO HEAR YOUR STUPID DUMB FANTASY FOR LARVA.

CG: IT WAS LIKE LISTENING TO TAVROS WITH ALL THE SHUTTERING.

CG: HELL THAT LARVA PROBABLY HAS BETTER FANTASIES THAN YOU.

TA: and you wiith your pervy heavy breathiing were liike that guy

TA: what2-hi2-name vri2ka2 neighbor

CG: EQUIUS

CG: AND DON’T YOU EVER COMPARE ME TO HIM UNLESS IT’S SAY HO  
W MUCH I’M NOT LIKE HIM.

TA: yeah he2 tall and mechanically competent unliike you

CG: AND HE’S THE BIGGEST PERVERT IN ALTERNIA.

TA: but he2 never 2ecretly ma2turbated while talkiing to me

CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW HE HASN’T?

CG: AND NO I WASN’T MASTURBATING.

TA: liiar

TA: my 2tory totally turned you on

CG: YOU WANTED TO TURN ME ON WHEN YOU BROUGHT UP THAT WET DREAM.

CG: “OH KK LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY THEXY ADVENTURE”

CG: “LET ME DETHCRIBE ARADIA’S BOOBS IN PORNOGRAPHIC DETAIL”

TA: ii only mentiioned her brea2t

CG: HEY THAT’S IT, MAYBE I WAS MASTURBATING TO YOUR DEAD MOIRAIL.

CG: I WANT HER GENETIC MATERIAL ALL OVER ME BECAUSE I’M SO ATTRACTED TO HER.

TA: no you arent

CG: YEAH, I’M NOT.

CG: SHE WAS TOO GODDAMN CHEERFUL.

CG: HOW DID YOU STAND IT?

CG: PLUS SHE’S DEAD.

TA: 2he2 mii22iing

TA: we never found the body

CG: THAT’S BECAUSE A MUSCLEBEAST ATE IT YOU NAÏVE IDIOT.

CG: THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE WILDERNESS.

TA: iim not gettiing iinto thii2 agaiin

TA: but kk are you sexually attracted to me

CG: YOU ACCUSE ME OF MASTURBATING TO THE THOUGHT OF YOUR BONE BULGE AND THEN YOU ASK ME IF I’M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU?

CG: BY THE WAY THE JURIES STILL OUT ON THAT MASTURBATING THING.

TA: ii dont know how 2 read troll2 2ometiime2

CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU ARE.

CG: NOT PHYSICALLY OF COURSE, YOU LOOK LIKE A SHAVED TWIG.

CG: BUT YOU ARE THE PERFECT MIX OF ASSHOLE AND LOSER.

CG: EVERYONE’S HATE AND PITY FILLS UP AROUND YOU.

CG: PLUS APPARENTLY YOU’RE HUNG LIKE A MUSCLEBEAST, NOT THAT SIZE REALLY MATTERS.

CG: NO WONDER ARADIA WAS ALL OVER YOU.

TA: that wa2 probably true

CG: DON’T THINK THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU.

CG: I THINK ABOUT EVERYONE’S LEVEL OF ATTRACTIVENESS AND WHO THEY’RE ATTRACTED TO.

TA: you have a 2hiipiing wall

CG: I’M NOTHING LIKE THAT OBSESSIVE HAIRBALL.

CG: I DON’T RECORD MY FRIENDS’ HATELIFE DOWN ON MY WALL, EWW.

CG: I HAVE SOFTWARE FOR THAT.

TA: 2o then mii2ter expert

TA: what i2 the deal wiith my dream

TA: ii diied iin that dream

CG: YOU DIED? OH GOD THAT MAKES THIS SO AWKWARD.

TA: ii hope ii never diie iin a dream again

TA: iim glad iit iisnt a vii2on

TA: but wa2 that what ii wanted

TA: do ii want a kii2me2ii22iitude wiith aa

CG: I HOPE NOT.

CG: I AM NOT SHIPPING ANYONE WITH A DEAD GIRL.

TA: 2he2 not dead for certaiin

TA: duriing the 24 hour2 after her death 2he diid not communiicate wiith me

CG: GEE YOU THINK THERE MIGHT BE A REASON SHE WOULDN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU THEN?

CG: NO SHE MUST BE IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING BECAUSE OF YOUR RED AND BLUE LOGIC.

CG: YOUR BLOODGOREZONE KNOWS SHE’S DEAD, WHY CAN’T YOU ACCEPT IT?

TA: ii have more rea2on2 than that one to beliieve 2he2 aliive.

TA: you arent p2ychiic.

TA: you wouldnt under2tand.

CG: SORRY I DON’T HAVE A MUTANT BRAIN.

CG: ANYWAY, IT WOULDN’T BE BAD IF ARADIA WAS YOUR KISMESIS IN MAGICAL HYPOTHETICAL SHE’S-ALIVE LAND.

CG: I LIKED THE IDEA OF YOU TWO BEING TOGETHER IN A CONCUPISCENT RELATIONSHIP.

CG: IF ANYONE ELSE WAS GOING TO BE WITH YOU I’D PREFER IT TO BE HER.

CG: BUT I DON’T THINK SHE WAS REALLY THE KISMESIS IN YOUR DREAM.

TA: but 2he hated me

TA: iin the dream.

CG: BUT DID YOU HATE HER?

CG: AND WHO GOT HURT IN THE DREAM?

CG: WHO DIED IN THE DREAM?

TA: me.

CG: KISMESISSITUDE IS A TWO-WAY STREET.

TA: 2o are you 2ayiing that ii had a wet dream about my2elf

Karkat thought back to his own wet dream. He realized the same interpretation applied to it too. This was great news! Now he wouldn’t feel awkward in front of Terezi. Karkat was in a vaguely good mood now.

CG: IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL.

CG: IN FACT IT’S MORE THAN NORMAL.

CG: IT MEANS YOU ARE INCREDIBLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY.

TA: ii dont thiink iim anywhere near healthy.

CG: OKAY YOU’RE ONLY HEALTHY WHEN YOU’RE ASLEEP.

CG: THAT MEANS YOU’RE HEALTHY HALF THE TIME.

CG: DOESN’T THAT FIT YOUR NUMBER FETISH?

TA: ii gue22 they do 2ay you have to hate your2elf before you can hate other2.

TA: well thank2 for the adviice.

CG: FINALLY SOMEONE THANKS ME.

CG: YOU ARE ALL SO UNGRATEFUL.

TA: yeah but iim goiing to delete thii2 log.

TA: ii mean miiliitary delete.

TA: no one iin the uniiver2e wiill 2ee thii2.

CG: AND I’LL DELETE IT TOO.

CG: NOT THAT I ACTUALLY DID THE THING YOU ACCUSED ME OFF.

TA: whatev

TA: btw 2ome 2hliilkoiil wiill clean the genetiic materiial riight off that keyboard.

CG: OH THANK GOD, I WAS AFRAID I’D HAVE TO BURN IT.

CG: HEY!

twinArmageddons (TA) ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG)

 


End file.
